Already Gone Page 13

  Chapter Ten

  Hope

  Dear Diary:

  What a sh- er, what a bad few days. I haven't written because I've been so busy, and I'm sorry if you can’t read this, but I'm writing it on the bus ride home from the Cypress Woods Invitational. It's the first time I've had a chance to write in days and I need two more entries by Monday.

  I'm getting ahead of myself.

  To get ready for the meet, Coach insisted on extra practice time, like over an hour a day. After finding out that Moby... Mason... I don't even know what to call him... was the guy Lacy liked, I wasn't sure how to act around him. He wasn't sure what to say around me, either. I swore to Lacy that I didn't care what she wanted and I wouldn't back down, but I kind of did.

  On Wednesday, Moby came and sat with us at our lunch table, but he sat two people away from me and didn't say more than a few words. He was already in the water when I got to the natatorium. He kept the distance swimmers busy, and he was underwater every minute. When I went to change, he was still swimming, but by the time I finished, he was already gone. I had been hoping he'd be waiting for me, like he was before.

  Even though he had asked me out, I started to wonder whether he really liked Lacy more than me.

  Things were bad with her. When I came home late on Wednesday, dinner was still on the table, but only my mom came out to talk with me while I ate. "When is she going to get over it?" I asked Mom.

  "She's hurt," she said.

  "So am I." I stabbed the cold, mushy broccoli with my fork and pushed it around. I hated broccoli, which Lacy knew. She was kind of mean.

  "It's not the same." My mom reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

  "How is it not the same? We both liked the same guy. I think he liked us both and was trying to figure things out, but now, Mom, he's being really weird. No one knows what to do and this whole thing just sucks."

  My mom was quiet for a moment, but just after I stuffed my mouth with chicken, she said, "What do you want to do?"

  Chewing and swallowing gave me time to think. "I want things to go back to how they were with Moby. And I want Lacy to calm down about it and realize he’s not right for her. Then I would get what I want and Lacy wouldn’t be mad anymore. There are a zillion dorky, smart guys out there. Everything would be normal again."

  My mom’s face looks pained for some reason. "Is he actually wrong for her?"

  I dropped my fork and it clattered on the table. "Are you kidding? Mom, you haven’t seen him swim, so I guess I’ll let that one go, but he’s like, Olympic caliber. Lacy doesn’t even get in the water. And I won’t go into what they’d look like together."

  "Lacy's a beautiful girl," my mom said. "It’s taken her some time to grow into her looks because they're unique, but she's coming into them now. Her face is striking, Hope."

  I knew that. Of course I knew Lacy was cute. I picked my fork back up. "I know she's pretty. That’s not what I meant. I’m sure any guy, including Moby, would be lucky to have her. I’m just saying that you’re a little biased because the only time you met him they were debating. But that’s like a passing thing. He’s been swimming since he was a kid. He’s not going to quit doing it. It’s kind of consuming. And Olympic swimmers don’t have time for anything else."

  My mom looked at me like she always did when I was missing something. I wanted to scream. “What?”

  “The Olympics are a one time kind of thing. They come, they pass and you have to keep living after they’re over.”

  “Umm, some swimmers can do several rounds. Wait, are you saying Lacy’s a better fit for him than me?”

  My mom shook her head. “I wish he’d never moved here, if you want to know what I’m really thinking. I wish neither of my beautiful girls had ever laid eyes on him. But since you have, I try to focus on what is true, and the truth is that people change over time. They aren’t just one thing and they stay like that forever. Some people love running and blow a knee and can’t do it anymore. Maybe they take up knitting or showing dogs. Other people weigh four hundred pounds and love to eat candy, but then they have a cardiac episode and they lose a ton of weight and take up cycling. Life is like a river, and we’re floating down it. We can paddle our boat, but we’re shifted by the current.”

  “Mom, you sound like a guidance counselor.”

  Mom shrugged. “I’ve been compared to worse things. All I’m telling you is that I don’t think your solution is quite fair. You’re suggesting you get exactly what you want and Lacy gets nothing, but comes to terms with it gracefully."

  For some reason my mom almost looked guilty, like she thought what I wanted was her fault.

  “Well, Drew agrees with me,” I said. “I ran into her in the hall the today. I asked her what she thought about Moby and Lacy. She thought they’d be terrible together.”

  Mom raised one eyebrow. “You sure that’s what she said?”

  "She looked disgusted," I said. "Drew is Lacy’s best friend. Wouldn’t she know if they were a bad match?"

  “She might, if she wasn’t dealing with other stuff.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  Mom frowned. “That’s not my explanation to make. And maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know anything for sure. But I don’t think it’s up to Drew, or me, or anyone else. You need to talk to Angelica about this. I’m not going to be happy about anything to do with this Montcellier kid until you and your sister are alright again.”

  “Why is it my job to fix things?” I stuck out my lip.

  My mom stood up then, startling me. I shoved back so fast that I almost fell off my chair.

  Her voice was stern, like Principal Skinner this time, not the guidance counselor. "You're missing the point, Hope. You have such tunnel vision when it comes to swimming. And you don’t see Angelica, not really. She's always been another person in your life who lets you have whatever you want. You’ve never even thought about what she wants, because you never had to care. That’s not fair, and it's given you an inaccurate view of what Angelica’s like. She could appreciate Mason's accomplishments as much as you could, and she's teaching him something new. Something he liked and he was very good at."

  I stood up and pushed my chair back under the table. "Are you saying I should just bow out and let them, what? Be together?" The whole thing made my chest tighten and my hands shake. "I don’t bow out. I don’t give up on anything, it's not who I am."

  "Your father never backed down from a fight either," my mom said. "It's one of the things I loved about him. No, I'm not asking you to give up, because I know you can't. It's the reason you’re such a fierce competitor. It’s why you’re such a talented swimmer."

  "Then what do you want me to do?" I asked.

  "I'm not telling you what to do. You’re old enough you need to figure that out yourself. But love shouldn't be a fight my darling, and you're turning it into one. You're focused on the wrong person. This isn’t about Mason, or Moby, or whoever he is. This is about you and Angelica. You shouldn't be at odds with her, you should be loving her. Anyone, anything that splits the two of you up is a cancer, and I will treat it as such."

  The idea of my mom attacking, well, anyone really, made me laugh.

  "This isn't funny, Hope. You’re my family, and you’re the only thing I really care about. I’d quit my job and burn down the house and kill someone if I had to, to help you and Angelica."

  "Oh, Mom, stop being such a diva. It'll be fine eventually."

  My mom pointed at Lacy's room. "Your sister is holed up in her room, trying to figure out how to fix some big problem I can't even comprehend for her tournament this weekend. She's alone with it because Mason has a swim meet. Instead of telling her how much that sucks and at least being there for her emotionally, you're over here complaining to me about how awkward things are for you. You didn’t even know she had a tournament this weekend, one where a recruiter from Yale is coming to watch her debate. Did you?"

  I know my mom meant to poin
t out how I’m a calloused jerk, and show me it’s all my fault. The thing is, all I heard her say was that Lacy was smarter than me, and her problems were bigger and more important. Lacy was doing stuff that even my brainy Mom can’t understand. I should be fixing the problem I made by what? Being alive and having the face and hair God gave me? It’s all so monstrously unfair.

  Mom was on Lacy's side? Fine. I didn't care. I put on my swimsuit and flip-flops and walked down to the beach. Listening to the waves always made me feel better.

  The next morning I got up before either of the two mopey book nerds in my family and went for a jog. I left for school while Lacy was still in the shower. Let her take the bus. That day, Mason didn't even sit with me. He waved to some guy from one of his classes and sat at a table with a bunch of nerds. At least Lacy wasn't there. She was probably hiding in the library as usual. Some of my anger faded then, sliding into something that felt a lot like guilt. I used to try and get Lacy out of the library and into the cafeteria, where she’d be interacting with real humans. Now she’s in there because of me, kind of.

  The rest of Thursday was essentially a repeat of Wednesday. Mason ignored me, and Lacy holed up in her room. Mom barely said two words to me. She was in one of her moods, and just kept flipping the channels on the television. I decided to go for another run on the beach. I only went a mile that morning since I had to get ready for school. I grabbed my shoes and headed out the front door, and no one even noticed.

  I could get shot. I could twist my ankle and get washed away by the tide. I could get bitten by, like, a sea snake, and die, and they wouldn’t even notice.

  My phone buzzed. I pulled it out. It was Dave.

  I knew I should ignore it. He’d been texting me over and over since I dumped him, but no one else was paying me any attention, so I texted him back and told him I was running. At least if I died, someone would know where to look for my body.

  When I saw him standing on the corner a few minutes later, I almost fell over. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  He smiled. He had a nice smile, a little crooked, with lots of shiny, straight teeth. “I was out jogging, too.”

  He didn’t look sweaty, but maybe he had just started. It wasn’t hot either, so that made sense. He fell into step next to me.

  “You always ran better than me,” I said.

  He grinned. “It was about the only thing I did better than you.”

  “You’re a good swimmer too. We’ve missed you.”

  “The whole team? Or anyone in particular?” he asked.

  “Me,” I said. “I’ve missed you.”

  Well, to be honest, I’d only missed the attention from him. I was feeling a little attention starved lately, with Moby ignoring me, my sister sulking, and my mom taking her side.

  “I have a test tomorrow,” he said. “If I get a B on it, it’ll bring my D up to a C, and I can come back.”

  I smiled at him. I was kind of glad. Maybe a little competition would help Moby step it up. In my experience, not much brought out a guy’s A-game faster than jealousy.

  When I finally got home, Mom was in bed, but Lacy’s light was still on. After my shower, when I was about to go to bed at eleven o'clock, I could still see her light. I swear, sometimes I wonder whether she’s a vampire. She’s pale as the dead and she never sleeps. If I didn’t see her eating ice cream and pizza all the time, I’d be checking the back of the fridge for blood bags.

  On Friday morning, my legs were sore from my double jog the day before. I slid into my flip-flops and grabbed a bagel. I decided to take it to the beach to eat, so I didn’t get stuck talking to Mom or Lacy.

  “Mind if I join you?” Dave’s voice startled me. He lives on the beach, too, but almost a mile down from us.

  “No,” I said. “Go ahead.”

  He handed me a coffee. “I couldn’t sleep and got up early. I figured I may as well bring you a coffee.”

  A chill ran down my spine. He never did that when we were dating. “Uh, were you just like, hanging out by my house?”

  I looked down at the coffee, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to drink it anymore.

  “That makes it sound weird. I was enjoying the waves, and I’ve missed you. That’s all. After I ran into you last night, I thought maybe you’d like some coffee. I was on my way to your house when I saw you.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say and he was staring, so I finally took a sip. He sat a little too close to me, so I stood up. “Well, I guess I better head to school.”

  “Need a ride?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “Dave, we aren’t getting back together. You know that, right?”

  He choked on his coffee. “I’m not crazy. But we can be friends, right?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Coach told me you fought for me when he made Moby the new captain. He said Moby doesn’t care if I take over once I’m eligible, so maybe we’ll be working together again soon.”

  Something about the way he looked at me made me uncomfortable, but I couldn’t tell what it was. “Sure, that’s good.” It was true. I had fought for him. Why was Moby bowing out, though?

  “Will you be at the meet this weekend?”

  He shook his head. “Nah, I won’t get my score by then, but next weekend, I hope I will be.”

  I sort of hoped he failed his test, but I felt bad thinking that. “Well, I better go.”

  “You don’t want a ride?” he asked. “You and your sister share a car, right?”

  “Nah, she’s been riding with my mom. I’m cool.”

  “Okay.” He walked off, but when I glanced back, he was looking at me.

  That day, Dave sat right next to me at lunch, and Mason sat at the end of the table, talking to Annie and Vivian almost the entire time. I had no idea how he was getting to practice before me at the end of the day, but there he was again, already swimming when I got there. This time I kept the sprint team's practice short to keep us from being too tired for the meet tomorrow. I changed into clothes so fast that I caught Mason on the way to his car. He was still wearing his swimsuit, with a parka thrown on over it.

  "Hey stranger," I said, determined to return things to normal.

  "Hope." He stopped walking until I caught up. "You ready for tomorrow?"

  "Of course," I said. "You?"

  He shrugged, staring at the asphalt. "I guess so."

  "Are you ever going to look at me again?"

  He turned surprised eyes toward me. "I look at you. What do you mean?"

  I put my hand on his chest and leaned close. "You aren't looking at me anymore."

  He cleared his throat. "It's weird now."

  "It doesn't have to be."

  His eyebrows drew together.

  I felt like screaming in frustration when he didn't flirt back, or even smile. "Look, Lacy always makes everything so dramatic, okay? It's not like you did anything wrong. She thought you liked her. You didn't know she was my sister, so it's no big deal if you were flirting, right? She'll get over it."

  Mason stepped back then. "She was right, Hope. I do like her."

  Oh. I didn't expect that. "Well, I'm really happy for you two, then." I thought about Lacy's closed door. Was Mason in there last night? Was she laughing at me this whole time? Were they both? My nostrils flared and tears sprang to my eyes, hot and fast. I spun away from him, and started walking toward my car.

  Mason caught up with me before I reached it and grabbed my arm. "Lacy's not even talking to me, okay. It's not like there's anything going on. I completely ruined everything."

  I yank my arm away. "If you liked her, then why did you ask me out?" A memory surfaced of him trying to wiggle out of our date. I shoved it away.

  "I liked you both at first. Is that a crime? I was new here and I had no idea you were sisters, Hope. I met this girl who was an amazing swimmer. She was funny, flipping me off to get my attention, and she had this loser boyfriend it was fun to piss off. Then suddenly she doesn't have a boyfr
iend anymore and she's interested in me. She would understand swimming, and she would be there with me at swim meets. I don’t know, it made sense."

  I smiled. "It still makes sense.”

  "It does." He nodded. "What doesn’t make sense is that I met your sister. And she's amazing, too. She's smart and she keeps me on my toes, and... you don't want to hear this, but look, what I'm trying to say is, I liked her a lot, and I liked debating with her. It was my very first time to ever do it and I liked it as much as I like swimming. I liked who I was when I was standing up there, arguing points against geniuses and being judged for my brains, not my backstroke. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong flirting with both of you, or even taking you both out. I figured I had time to work out who I wanted to really pursue."

  "Play the field," I said.

  "Yes!"

  "It's what we're supposed to do," I said, "right? We're teenagers, after all." What a load of crap. But I didn't want to go back to having these weird, stilted exchanges anymore, so I didn't say any of what I was thinking.

  "Look, Hope, I want to be your friend. I want us to be team captains, and I want to get to know you too. But I can't, I'm not sure it's a great idea-"

  "You can't date me."

  He sighed. "Right. It would be weird, too weird, right? Plus, it would hurt Lacy."

  Screw Lacy. It was already hurting me. "Right, it would and we don't want that."

  "Okay, so." He held out his hand as if to shake mine. As though we were like, striking a business deal or something. "Friends."

  Uh, no. I leaned forward and hugged him instead. "Friends." He felt so amazing to hug that I held on a little too long. He was just so big and so warm.

  He pulled away first and I mentally cursed my dumb arms. "Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

  "Tomorrow."

  I had the entire house to myself Friday night. Mom had texted to tell me she was at Clear Lake for Lacy's tournament. I watched some television, ate a few Oreos, packed my bag for tomorrow, and then looked at the clock. Seven thirty.