Already Gone Page 15

  My mom smiled at me. "I'm glad to hear that, but I wasn’t comparing this to when your father died. Your dad, well, he and I had some rocky roads. Things between us weren't perfect and sometimes I felt like I couldn't breathe. We broke up once, I dumped him actually, and I didn't think I’d survive it."

  "I didn't know that." Actually I knew almost nothing about my mom and dad, I realized. "On Wednesday, when Mason said he wasn't going to come with me this weekend, maybe in part because the Yale recruiter was coming, I felt like my world was falling apart. After what we had done at Katy, the idea of debating with anyone else filled me with a sick kind of despair."

  Mom smiled but it looked sad for some reason. "I know exactly what you mean."

  "Plus, I didn’t tell you this before, but there was some weirdness with Drew, too. I wasn’t sure if I’d even have her as an option anymore.”

  “Because you switched to Mason at the last tournament?”

  “Uh, sort of.”

  My mom cocks one eyebrow. “Or did she finally tell you?”

  “Tell me what?” I asked.

  “That she’s gay?”

  I coughed. And then I coughed some more. When I could finally speak, I said, “How did you know?”

  Mom tilted her head. “I pay attention to little things.”

  “I really do worry too much about my stuff and not enough about other people,” I said.

  “You’re wonderful,” my mom said, a dreamy smile on her face as she drove down the road.

  “Nuh uh. Not really. I need to be more like you.”

  “How’s she doing?”

  I shook my head, not that she could see it. “I don’t know, really. She hasn’t brought it up again. I’m kind of letting her lead the whole thing. I don’t think she’s come out to anyone but me yet.”

  “Her mother doesn’t know? Or her dad?”

  I shrugged. “No idea.”

  “Maybe you should ask,” Mom said.

  I should have. I was so selfish. I cringed a little, ashamed at being such a poor friend.

  "I'm proud of you," my mom said.

  “Why?” I asked. “I’m screwing everything up.”

  “Sometimes the best thing we can do is keep trying. And your heart is in the right place. It always has been.”

  I need to fix things with Hope, though. I didn’t have any perspective before. "I want to go to Hope's meet," I said suddenly.

  "We're almost home." My mom sounded dismayed.

  "I can drive myself," I said.

  "It's an hour and a half away."

  I didn't care. I needed to talk to Hope, and tell her I didn't care whether she dated Mason. I just wanted us to be us again. A family.

  I dropped off my mom so she could lay down. She put her arm on mine before I left. "Drive safely, please. I couldn't bear it if something happened to you."

  "Mom, you're being weird. I'll be fine." Dad died in a car crash, so Mom was always kind of odd about us driving. “I’ll drive like a grandma, I swear.”

  She looked down at the floor. “I don’t think I could go on if I lost either of you girls like I lost your father.”

  I turned toward the wall before I rolled my eyes so my mom wouldn’t see. "I know. I'll be careful."

  I had plenty of time to think on the way to the swim meet, and something hit me. I'd been flogging my poor brain relentlessly, and maybe what I needed all along was some peace, some time to think. I couldn't use Todd's plan alone, but I could combine his and mine. If I incorporated the parts of his counterplan that worked, I could shove them into the place of the objectionable parts of mine. I could merge them into one proposal that was entirely mine, but would address Zimmerman's criticisms of Heidegger in the first place. And I'd be able to use the counter plans popping up on the open data project as further evidence that I was solving for the issue.

  It was brilliant, and I hadn’t felt this happy in a long time.

  I arrived at the Cypress Woods Invitational meet just in time to see my sister swim the hundred fly. Seeing her body moving so beautifully, it had always made me envious before now, but today I saw it for the miracle it was. I would look like a seagull plonked in a fish tank out there, but Hope flowed through the water like a dolphin or, I admitted begrudgingly, maybe a mermaid. Every part of her body did just what it was supposed to. It was awe-inspiring.

  I watched her interact with Mason when she got out, becoming more certain every moment that I was right. I knew from her attitude this week that she wasn't involved with Mason. She was around the house all the time, stomping and yelling, slamming doors. She was as upset as I was, and I knew it. She might have told me she wouldn't pull back from him for me, but obviously she had.

  Then I watched Mason swim. That's when I really got it, the reason he couldn't bail on this swim meet. He was a wonderful debater. He spoke so clearly, so eloquently, that he got perfect speaker points in every round. He had such a quick mind it was hard to believe he was real. But I was as good as him, and there were others even better than we were.

  When he got in the water, it was like he belonged there. He made it look even easier, even more natural than Hope did. I saw what she saw, his beauty, his grace, and I saw a whole future unfold before my eyes. They would both go to the Olympics, they'd get married under five multicolored rings and they'd give their beautiful babies a handful of gold medals for teething toys.

  I was ready to tell Hope to date him, and I would go down and do it today. Hope waited for my blessing, unwilling to date him until she knew her sister would be okay. She always took what she wanted from me, but not this time. She’d grown up. She cared about me after all, and I felt even better about what I came to do. I could make peace with Hope and give her my blessing.

  Telling her it was okay would be hard, but it was the right decision. It felt like, somehow, seeing him here, every bit as at home among these jocks, every bit as comfortable in the water as on land, I understood him better, I saw who he really was. Trying to choose one side of himself was tearing him in two, and I wouldn’t be part of that.

  I'd never thought much about God. Mom never read us the Bible or anything. She always prayed over our meals, but she never took us to church. But that day, sitting in those bleachers, I had this overwhelming sense that there must be a God, for something so perfect as Mason in the water to exist. At the same time, I wondered what kind of God would create someone so perfect for me, and so perfect for my sister and then throw him between us.

  I looked up at the roof of the natatorium. "You couldn't have split that zygote? Seriously. Throw me a bone here. I'd even have taken a little brother."

  When Mason won his race by a wide margin, I climbed down from the bleachers and went to cool off outside for a moment. On my way out, I noticed Dave was sitting way up high, like I had been. I waved at him, and he waved back. I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t swimming, but he seemed happy enough to watch. He was better looking than I remembered, and I could see why Hope liked him. He was nothing to Mason of course, but he had classic looks that reminded me of Hope’s a little bit.

  When I went back inside, Hope was just winning a relay. She looked so happy and so free. I wanted to be able to sit front and center and cheer her on. I wanted to fix this rift between us.

  I figured when this ended, I could give her a ride and we could talk. I'd tell her I was sorry, and say that she could date Mason. I'd promise not to get upset, and I'd just try to stay away when they were together so I didn't have to see them, you know, making out. At first, anyway.

  I rehearsed my speech a time or two, polishing a few parts, but keeping to the same general ideas. Then I watched as Mason won another relay. He really was amazing. I'd need to stop looking at him in a swimsuit, or I'd have trouble keeping my resolve. I watched Hope instead. She was hunched over some kind of paper, and then talking to her Coach with a big smile.

  A moment later, she ran down the concrete, a big no-no I thought, and yelled something to Mason. Then it felt like time
slowed down somehow. Mason grabbed Hope, tossed her up in the air and spun her around, just as he had with me at the tournament we won. I could still feel his arms around me, and I could feel the excitement. I saw that same thing reflected in his face, but directed toward Hope and something inside of me broke. Then Hope leaned down and kissed him. In front of her teammates, her peers, even her Coach.

  My stomach roiled, my resolve to accept this wavered and I leaned over and puked. Even over all the other noise, I could still hear the splat when my vomit finally hit the pavement a dozen feet down. I wiped my mouth on someone's towel, sorry random person. I stood up to go, and I locked eyes briefly with Dave. He looked as sick as I did and I actually felt sorry for him.

  When I started down the stairs, something about the motion in that moment must have drawn his attention, because Mason's eyes locked on mine and I knew I couldn't cover up my feelings. Not nearly well enough, so I looked away and ran. I shot down those stairs faster than I ever had in my life. There should be some kind of athletic event where you fly down stairs in high heels. I'd have won that day. I was out the door and to my car in a flash. I got in and started driving. I refused to think, not at all, until I reached Drew's house. I knew I shouldn’t go there, that I shouldn’t bother her with this, but I couldn't bear to go home. What if Mason and Hope came back there after their win to celebrate, or to go hang out on the beach? No. I couldn't.

  I should’ve thought about how Dave was feeling, but I didn’t think about that either.

  Drew was confused when she answered the door, but she waved me in without hesitation and patted my back when I cried. She really was the best friend in the world. When I was finally cried out, I curled up on her couch and went to sleep.

  When I woke up, it was almost ten at night. I swore.

  "Why didn't you wake me up?"

  "Lacy, you may not believe this, but humans need to sleep. It's about this thing called an REM cycle."

  I stood up and rubbed my eyes. "I'm serious. I need to read Chaucer and then write a paper on it. I need to study for calculus, and Spanish. I need to finish my reading for history. That doesn't even include all the stuff I'm supposed to be doing to prepare for the AP tests I have coming up. Plus, I think I figured out how to fix our case, and I need to get to work on that too. I only have thirty hours until the paper’s due, and I have to take both tests. I don't have time for sleep."

  "Calm down," she said.

  "Why aren't you more panicked?" I asked.

  She sighed. "While you were freaking out over debate stuff last week, I read Chaucer and wrote my paper. I've been studying for Spanish, and all I need to do tomorrow is history and math. I'm not trying to kill myself at the age of eighteen."

  I scowled. "Where's your mom, anyway? How come she didn't wake me up?"

  Drew’s dad left her mom years ago because her mom worked too much. Now her dad lived in a little house on the bay and spent all his free time fishing, and her mom still worked too much. Drew didn't seem to mind the setup much.

  "Mom's working a twenty-four hour shift. She'll be back in the morning."

  I sighed. "Well, thanks for being here for me, but I need to get going."

  "Study here for a while. You can use my books." She tossed her copy of The Canterbury Tales at me. She didn’t even ask why I was crying or what was wrong. I didn’t offer up any reasons.

  I sat back down on the sofa and started reading. When I almost dozed off around eleven, I stood up and walked in a big circle around the surprisingly clean family room.

  "What's wrong?" she asked.

  "I'm falling asleep!"

  "I'm telling you, you slept about four hours just now, which is not enough. It was only a partial catch up for the past week of sleep deprivation."

  "So what, I should just give up? Who cares if I completely fail my tests, or if I don't hand in my paper?"

  Drew smirked. "Ewelina would be giddy."

  I scowled. "That is not funny."

  "Too bad you don't suffer from ADHD," Drew said.

  "What does that mean?" I asked.

  "My mom has a prescription she uses on her twenty-four hour shifts sometimes. She had to convince another doc she suffered from adult ADHD to get it. It's called Desoxyn. It's basically speed." Drew grinned. “She said she couldn’t sleep when she’s on it if she wanted to.”

  Drew’s mom, a doctor, abused prescription drugs? “Wow, that’s terrible.”

  “Is it, though? It’s regulated, controlled, the right dosage, and it helps her not kill people when she has to work. I’d say that’s a good thing.”

  “You are morally ambiguous,” I said. “Clearly.”

  Drew raised one eyebrow. “Because I think my mom can take a prescription? I think your mom broke your brain.”

  Speaking of moms, I thought about how my mom suggested I talk to Drew.

  “Hey does your mom know?”

  Drew sat up straighter and picked at invisible lint on her pajama pants. “Know what?”

  “Does she know you’re gay?”

  Drew frowned. “I don’t know.”

  “So you haven’t told her?” I asked. “Like you hadn’t told me?”

  Drew kicked at the coffee table. “No. I haven’t.”

  “Why not?” I asked. “Your mom’s pretty cool. I think she’d be okay with it.”

  Drew’s eyes look down at the floor and her shoulders slump. “She calls gay women lesbos and makes a lot of jokes about how they don’t know how to wear makeup and look like men.”

  When Drew said that, I remembered. It was true.

  “She doesn’t know about you, though. And she loves you. I’m sure she’d stop.”

  “I can’t tell her right now, okay?”

  I put my hand on her knee. “It’s fine, seriously. But if you want me around when you tell her, just say the word. What about your dad?”

  “He knows,” Drew said, “or at least he suspects. He’s said some weird things, like when I get married one day, my future spouse, he, or she, might want a beach wedding, but he’d totally be willing to hold the ceremony on his house overlooking the bay. That kind of stuff. The kind of stuff you don’t say unless you know.”

  I pulled her close. It must be really hard to always be listening to little things people you care about say or watching what they do, just to try and figure out whether they will love you, the real you. “I’m sorry. I wish I’d noticed before you had to tell me.”

  “It’s fine.” Drew’s eyes are teary when she finally pulls away.

  After that, Drew worked on her history reading while I started on Chaucer. The second time I dozed off, the sound of Drew’s snores woke me. I slapped at my face a few times, but I could feel my eyelids, slowly closing, inexorably moving downward.

  I couldn’t sleep. I had to catch up on too many things. I only had tonight and tomorrow.

  I probably shouldn’t write this in here, but maybe honesty will count for something. I thought about what Drew said. My mom was crazy, and prescription drugs were fine. Useful, even. My mom was a little irrational.

  I paced back and forth a few times, trying to wake up, and I walked right past Drew’s medicine cabinet. I knew where it was because I’d gotten throat lozenges there before. I’m not proud of this, but around three a.m. I found the bottle of Desoxyn written to Drew’s mom. There were only three pills inside.

  I put the bottle away and slammed the cabinet shut. I knew the sound would wake up Drew, but it didn’t. I went back to work, but when I nodded off again, this time waking up to the timer I set on my phone in case I dozed off, I crossed back to that cabinet without thinking. I pulled out a single pill, a white oval with little blue speckles. Before I could think about the litany of reasons I shouldn’t use it, I popped it into my mouth and swallowed it.

  Within fifteen minutes, the world became startlingly clear. I was jittery, sure, but my exhaustion evaporated. I finished The Canterbury Tales and wrote my paper faster than I imagined possible. It felt like my
mind was running a mile a minute. That little pill was literally the best thing I'd ever taken.

  When I saw the time, five a.m., I shut down my laptop and tiptoed out of Drew's house. It wasn't like my mom would care. I was fairly sure she'd passed out before I reached Hope’s meet. But Drew's mom should be home soon, so I knew I had better clear out. I tried not to think about how awesome it would be to have two more magic pills, solely in case of emergency. I put the bottle back, but then it occurred to me. Drew’s mom might notice one was missing if I left it there. It might be better if she thought she had misplaced the bottle. Besides, it wasn’t like there were a lot left. Two pills, that was it.

  I took it with me.

  I knew my mom might be upset that I came home so late, but I was not expecting to see anyone else sneaking into my house just after five a.m. Hope looked as surprised as me when I pulled up in Mom's car. Coming home at this hour after a huge win at a swim meet? After kissing Mason? I had a pretty good idea where she'd been, and I didn't like it any more than my mom would.

  Chapter Twelve

  Hope

  Dear Diary:

  I'm beginning to think that the only person who cares about my thoughts is you, Ms. Littleton. Mom certainly doesn't and Lacy isn't speaking to me. Moby, er, Mason has obviously written me off. I'm not usually someone who feels sorry for myself, which might be because my life is usually pretty great, but I screwed things up big this time, and I don't even know what to do about it. I even managed to piss Dave off, sweet old dopey Dave.

  I think last time I wrote in here, I was saying that Mason left to chase after Lacy. In case you're not very savvy with relationships, when you kiss a guy, it's a very bad sign if he goes running off after someone else.